i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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