my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
