my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
