I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
