i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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