she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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