I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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