wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
