Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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