You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
