you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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