dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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