Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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