New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
