I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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