You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
