just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
