Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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