theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
