it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
