Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
