Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
