Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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