We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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