everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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