That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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