Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
