Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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