i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
