Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
