My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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