my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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