so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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