Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
