sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
