I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She's the barista slut.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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