census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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