ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
