Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize