my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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