Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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