So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
