Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
