I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
