Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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