i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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