Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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