Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
