I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize