Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
