i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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