ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
