Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
