Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
40s are totally the cure
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
