3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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