my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
