He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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